ENFENETEE
ENFENETEE
12.11.2009
Hip Hop Was My First Love
You never forget your first love, however, you also don't always marry your first lover either. Your first love makes you blind to the world. It's exciting, new and one of the few times in life you can make a mistake and years later still look at the situation endearingly. Hip hop was my first love for sure.
Hip hop found me. It was one of those guys who you meet and they just seem to complete you. A soulmate because you fit like a hand in a glove, just so perfect. As with most young love both of you are young, dumb and full of cum and my relationship with hip hop was no different. You start to lose yourself in that other person and it's very easy to do without proper guidance. So herein lies the problem, the melding of the total integration of a human being with the hip hop machine.
The courtship in the beginning was grand and regal. Travel, wealth, fulfillment and then the honeymoon was over.
I used hip hop as my psychologist to expose all my pain, hurt, fears and anger. They were all discussed in my therapy sessions that were known to the public at large as songs. All the vicious abuse and trauma I endured as a child and adult was hidden subliminally in my angry, violent lyrics. Being sexually abused, I used my looks and sexuality to dominate. It worked, I truly dominated and held my own in a male industry but everyday I lost more and more of myself.
My first love then turned on me. You know when you give and give and give, that's all people expect from you. I gave so much of my time, my life, my soul and my sanity that I stayed in a perpetual cycle of personal torment and my spiritual, mental and physical growth was stunted.
My love kept me isolated because I had reached a point where I didn't know if people wanted to befriend me or be with me because of the fame of it all or just for me. I started to attract the lowest of the low in the way of people and I made some very bad and sinful decisions and choices. Then I realized, it was me! I was drawing what I was putting out.
May of 2008 I had begun a massive clean up of myself. My career was getting ready to hit the zenith and 7 figures was sitting in my view. At that time, I hadn't planned to give up hip hop because I was about to break in the biggest way.
In June of 2008 I was in a very bad car accident. I couldn't do any of the big shows that were on my card. I was down for 4 months in pain thinking it was from the accident not knowing I had breast cancer and it was spreading in my body.
October 30, 2008 was the day I was diagnosed with this rare type of aggressive breast cancer. Despite it all I still thought about my first love. Things were not the same between us. The people that came into my life via my first love had abandoned me. I was no longer viable. A chosen few who were there for me for real had chosen to fight the fight with me.
In fighting the fight, I had to confront all the things that were binding me up and literally killing me. The child abuse, sexual molestation, rape, violence, dysfunctional family plus a bevy of other things. Last but not least my love, my first love hip hop.
As I started down my journey I had to face myself. Wow, that was hard. I didn't like me much and I needed to know why I did the things I did. I'm still on the journey. They say time heals all wounds, so I'm patiently waiting.
The further I progressed in my journey. The further my first love fades away. The more I begin to heal and confront my inner child, the more my first love becomes obsolete. It just as the text reads, when I was a child I spoke and acted like a child. I knew it was time to let go. I was no longer that little girl who was angry, hostile, bitter and who perpetuated all things from a selfish and hurt place. It was time for me to grow up and heal.
So now I look at my first love and I laugh and cry. It brought to me some lifelong friends, some lifelong enemies, many dregs of society, heartbreak, love, joy and pain. It kept me out of jail and from killing someone. It taught me that I am a business woman, it tested my boundaries, it made me see who I am and who I am not. For this, hip hop will always be my first love even though I have found another.
On the contrary of popular belief, I did not start out rapping, I started out singing. Therefore, I have decided to return to my very first gift of singing and do rock music from this point forward. ROCK, will enable me to express myself at this junction of my journey without limitations. There is only one thing that is constant in the universe and that is change. So I hope you will join me in my transition because THE RESSURECTION of ENFENETEE has begun!
More manifestos from ENFENETEE will be released henceforth in the very near future.
